So 10 years ago in August, I had a massive falling out with my father. He'd never really been the greatest father figure in my life, but he'd also spent the majority of my life not having any part of it. I remember the year because it was the year that London hosted the Olympics.
But the falling out lasted longer than just that one day and still affects me even now. I remember the date because I had a 4-day residential trip starting the next day and a few days later, it was a friend's birthday.
For the 16 months following this incident, if my dad saw me on the street, he'd come over and say that he had every right to slap my face (I was 22 at the time of the incident) because I was his daughter and at the time I was in his house (although just visiting as I lived a couple of streets away). He never saw anything wrong in how he behaved or the actions he chose - when I went to his front door to leave, he followed me, slammed the door closed before I could leave and shouted at me while his face was barely more than an inch or two from mine. I felt trapped at that point so I went back into his living room, looking for any possible exit but apart than the front door, the only other exit I could find was his balcony and I didn't want to consider it an option because he lived on the fourth floor of his block. So I had to wait but it wasn't long before he went onto the balcony to have a smoke and that was the moment I picked to run out of his flat. I didn't want him to follow me and catch me at the lift so I just ran down the stairs.
But the main crisis point came a week before Christmas of 2013. He visited my place of work at the start of the day - he'd found out where I worked through a friend of his. He walked up to my desk, slid over a wrapped present, and said "Happy Christmas" before turning around and walking straight out. My manager was a gem that day because he gave me the space and time to go and talk to my father, not that this did any good. I asked if we could rebuild our relationship and my father responded to me with, "When you can admit and apologise for what you did wrong, then we can think about rebuilding."
This shocked me because I hadn't done anything wrong on that fateful day in August 2012. I had expressed a desire to do a particular apprenticeship which he was heavily against because of his outdated knowledge that he wouldn't (or couldn't) consider that apprenticeships had changed since he was my age. Also, I doubted my father remembered the events of that night correctly as he was under the influence (alcohol and drugs). I was crushed and I sat for a good 10 minutes at the bottom of the staff stairs crying, trying to get my emotions togther so that I could go back to work.
It didn't help that my younger sister joined in and sided with my father - she and I had a text message argument first thing in the morning on my 23rd birthday with her parting message being "by the way, happy birthday from me and dad", almost like it was an afterthought. She may have been pressured to side with him because at the time, she was living with him.
It wasn't the best of experiences but the whole experience taught me that I didn't have to put up with anyone's drama and bad attitudes. That it didn't matter who was saying what, provided I knew and believed in my truth.
I know some people might say, "but he's your dad" and to that I say, "no he wasn't". He was in my life from the day I was born for about 18 months, but during that time, he got physical with my mum on 2 occasions which led to her leaving him after the second and taking me with her. While I was growing up, he was non-existent to me and I ended up being the one who went looking for him shortly before my 19th birthday. He never once tried to have any contact with me after my mum passed away when I was 7, but yet he went to court to get access to my older brother and my younger brother and sister. Because of this, I always questioned what was wrong with me, why wasn't I good enough to be in his life.
In total, my father was in my life for a whopping 5 years out of 24 by the time I decided that he wasn't worthy of being my father and cut him out of my life. When I cut him out, I also cut my sister out because I didn't want to associate with anyone who might "spy" on me for him, nor did I want to be dragged into unnecessary drama.
When I was born, I was registered with my father's surname but after the massive fall-out, I chose to be my mother's daughter and legally take her surname instead because I'd rather keep my mum's memory alive than be connected with him. I didn't, and still don't, want anything tying me to him.
I don't regret any of my decisions. I don't regret getting to know him as a person because he showed me why my mum had left him in the first place. I have enough self-respect to say, "no thanks" to people like him and no one since then has treated me the same way purely because I refuse to allow my self-respect to be disrespected by anyone.
I stand by what I did following this fall-out, even though I doubted my decision that week. My decision may be harsh to some but I don't have to put up with such treatment or attitudes from anyone in my life, whether they are family or not. To me, blood isn't thicker than water because the people who have been most supportive of me have been my friends, not my family. My friends have become the family I have chosen for myself.
Toxicity has no place in my life, because I respect myself too much to allow others to drag me down to their level or belittle me. Just because people don't agree with my choices, it doesn't give them the right to try to force me in any way to do what they want. I have to respect myself and what my heart is pulling me towards.
I hope this inspires you to limit contact or cut off anyone who treats you in a toxic way. I hope that you can learn to respect yourselves more. I also hope this empowers you to stand up for yourselves and do whatever it is that you want to do.
Peace and love to all!!!
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