As part of my own Shadow Work, I've been realising that there are parts of myself that I've hidden for years because of various experiences in my childhood, teen years and even in my adult life. And it's these parts of myself that are needing healing right now so that I can become "whole" again.
Something that I've realised recently is that by healing those parts of myself, I am encountering less resistance and discovering that while I will alway have aspects of my Shadow Self to love, accept and integrate into myself, I am still whole because I never gave up wanting that wholeness or working towards it. I never gave up on myself.
There has been something which has been a huge wound within myself that I haven't always wanted to be open and honest about but I feel that now is the time for pure, brutal honesty.
When I was young, my mum passed away after battling cancer - the kind of cancer that has genetic mutations and I have been worried for years that I am at risk of it. I found out early last year that a female relative had genetic testing and they have one of the mutations. This meant that the whole family had to be notified and start the ball rolling with getting tested, including me.
While this is something that I have been wanting and hoping to do for many years, it is still a scary prospect because of the whole "What if I do have a genetic mutation?" "What am I going to do if I do have it?" questions that have spent plenty of time going round in my head over the years.
It's also scary because on my next birthday, I become the same age my mum was when she lost her cancer battle. This particular decade has always scared me but particularly this age, most likely because of what happened with my mum.
I feel that this is part of my Shadow Work because it is something that has been holding me back within myself and maybe through finding out the truth at the same age my mum was when she passed away, being able to move forward will become possible.
Finding out the truth, regardless of what that truth is, should allow me to finally move past this to the rest of my life. I have done a lot of personal work recently, including the more specific Shadow Work that I have mentioned in previous posts. Some of this personal work is very home-oriented, while other aspects are more inner self work.
I've had multiple conversations about this with my closest friend who has been so incredibly supportive as well as helping me to see sense about what the future could look like regardless of what happens with my own genetic testing. We've spoken about things like how I could still be a mum if the "traditional" methods are not viable options for me - I use "traditional" to mean being in a relationship or undergoing fertility treatments. "Non-traditional" options would be adoption or fostering. Regardless of which option is open to me, I now know that I can face this long-term fear of mine in a more positive way that allows me to be as prepared and relaxed as possible about what the future may hold for me.
Not-knowing is just as okay as being in the know, even if at first it is scarier. But while I have sat with the unknown for so many years, wanting to know definite answers, those definite answers may not be what I want to hear but that's okay, because the future isn't set in stone and I don't know what will happen in my future. The unknown or "not-known" can be scary but only if it isn't faced and accepted as a part of life. The future is one of the two biggest unknowns that we as humans will ever face - death being the other one.
This is my biggest fear and by sitting with it and thinking about how much power it has had in my life, I feel like I am now in a better place to make my way through the unknown future.
I hadn't realised this before but it actually came up in a Workshop I did about a month ago regarding what 2022 holds for me. I pulled two cards for each month: one for the general energy of the month and the second regarding the resources or obstacles that I would need or face.
The card for the general energy of January was the Child of Challenges, which spoke to me of not panicking when faced with a murky or unclear path ahead as well as needing to think things through and allowing the mists to clear up a little before finding my way forward, something that I have had trouble learning previously. The second card which was regarding the resources/obstacles was the Keeper of Spells and I felt that this card was saying that I needed to focus on projects that fuelled my passion and inner fire. Another message that I felt this second card had for me was to be strong in the face of adversity or darkness - this genetic situation is the biggest fear and Shadow that I have had, and I needed to face it so that it could fuel my inner fire to allow me to move past the delay in the situation.
I say delay because my original appointment was cancelled due to the clinician being unwell and in the current circumstances, I completely understand the delay. But it didn't help my mental state when I found out because I spent the majority of that day panicking due to a lack of direction that I had hoped to have. I had considered the possibility that I might not have been able to attend my appointment due to being unwell myself (which I wasn't) and while I try to stay up-to-date on the national situation, I hadn't considered that the clinician wouldn't be able to attend. I hadn't considered all of the possibilities and this is what threw me for six but now, I feel like I have considered all of my available options.
I wasn't given a new appointment that day as I was told that would be dealt with once the clinician was back in the office so there was an unknown introduced into the situation again. I felt like I had gone backwards by about 4 months instead of forwards as I had planned (and hoped).
But now, this unknown is something that I am a little more comfortable with because I have realised that I have been living with this element of the unknown for so long already that it won't really matter that much if I don't have any definitive answers for a few extra months (my new appointment has been scheduled for the beginning of April).
I hope my honesty inspires you to be as honest with yourselves as I have been with you. I hope my journey will inspire you all to face your Shadow Selves without fearing them.
Peace and love to all!!
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