After the "Money as Your Twin Flame" workshop run by That Witch Karena, I was curious about whether I could adapt it to use it for other things besides money. To be honest, I did ask Karena this and she was all for it so I chose to focus on Food/Nourishment.
This year, my weight and physical health has been rather a worry for me as I know I'm overweight because I don't lead an active life and I really do have a sweet tooth. I have tried to work on my diet, especially my portion sizes - I would cook double the recommended portion-size of rice and pasta for sure but I'm not sure about other foodstuffs.
I might have some kind of eating disorder as well as body dysmorphia so my relationship with Food and Nourishment has been complicated due to childhood events and other incidents that have happened through the years. So I may appear to be perfect and know everything, but I am as human as everyone else. I'm in the process of getting professional medical help with everything but both binge-eating and body dysmorphia are things that I've struggled with for most of my life, without knowing that they were actual issues. Asking for this help has only highlighted the issues I have with Food and Nourishment to the point that I cannot ignore them anymore so I have to do something to help myself.
So here's what I realised about Food as My Twin Flame: (Please note that I will be using Food and Nourishment as interchangeable for the same thing)
What would a better relationship with Food do for me?
King of Spades, 5 of Diamonds
With the King of Spades, I feel like a better relationship with Food would allow me to be able to understand myself better. I'm represented as Alice and Food as the Caterpillar but I'm not tall enough to truly see how Food can truly help me. Food is chilling and safe in its identity but I'm still on a journey to discover my Self. I do feel like a better relationship would allow me to be grateful and have a better relationship with my own body.
With the 5 of Diamonds, I feel like a better relationship with Food would allow me to stop being so indifferent to the advice of others. As an adult, I've always eatne what I wanted, regardless of whether it was healthy or what anyone else tried to say to me. I feel like this mentality/attitude isn't serving me and so I need to change it so I can have a healthier relationship with Food. It could also be that Humpty-Dumpty represents Food which would then suggest that I've been ignoring Food and that's what I need to change.
Do I have the energy budget to hold the nourishment of this love from Food?
8 of Hearts
With this card, I feel like the message is that I could have the energy budget but I've limited my potential growth. I have plenty of people around me who are willing and able to be supportive.
But I currently use Food as a crutch, an emotional support to deal with life's more challenging moments. This has led me to not have the energy budget to hold and appreciate the nourishment of Food. I've realised that this isn't the best situation to be in and this is why I want to change my relationship with Food.
Right now, Food isn't taking up a lot (if anything at all) of my energy budget.
Do I chase nourishment or do I attract it?
9 of Clubs
With this card, I do feel like it's calling me out because I'm almost indifferent to Food and its potential for nourishment.
I don't chase nourishment due to my lack of a relationship with Food.
But at the same time, I don't attract nourishment because I tend to focus on preparing and cooking foods that I enjoy without knowing if they are healthy.
I feel like I don't really care whether what I eat is nourishing or not but that I should care because what I eat should be important to me.
I feel like this card is saying that I put other things as more important, even though I know that they aren't.
Where did I learn this pattern from?
3 & Queen of Spades
With the 3 of Spades, I feel like this card is a reference to my childhood when my nan was very strict about what I could and couldn't eat. Food would be used as a punishment on occasion, usually with my least favourite foods and possibly a single item that I liked - this meal was baked beans or spaghetti hoops in tomato sauce (which I can't stand) on toast with a poached egg as the only thing I would normally enjoy. I couldn't eat "too much" sweet food which meant that any birthday cake had to have the icing scraped off the actual cake.
With the Queen of Spades, I feel like this card is saying that I was dominated by my nan who would make as many decisions for me as she could, food or anything else. My own desires to try things were ignored and pushed to the floor, to be trampled underfoot. In this card, my nan would be signified by the larger-than-life Alice while I am the poor creatures falling to the floor. Everything I ate had to be pre-approved by my nan, regardless of where I was so I always felt small and like my life wasn't my own.
If Food/Nourishment was a sound, what would it be?
When I sat and thought about this, I felt like nourishment would be an orchestra playing a symphony that started off slow and grew in stages to a crescendo, just like a meal with lots of course builds to the most important one.
What would I want it to be?
I'd want Food/Nourishment as an orchestra playing a symphony but not a dramatic piece like Beethoven's 5th Symphony, but a gentler one like Pachelbel's Canon in D Major. I'd also want the sounds of Nature to be worked into it, from birdsong to the sound of freely running water to rain falling during a storm complete with thunder and lightning at just the right moments.
Can I raise my vibration to match it and increase my energy budget?
4 of Hearts, 7 of Spades
With the 4 of Hearts, I feel like this card is saying that I can but I will need to let others in to help me. I can't do this alone so I need to be strong and ask for the help that I need, whether I know what that looks like or not. Within the image can be seen some Oysters standing near the sitting Carpenter but the cliffs in the background seem to say that I've still got work to do but I definitely won't be alone.
With the 7 of Spades, I feel like the message is that there is no specific amount of time in which I attempt to raise my vibration and energy budget. It's all about whether I am willing to dive into the unknown, Through the Looking-Glass, and experience a whole new healing adventure. I feel like this card is saying that I can raise my vibration and energy budget but it may not happen the way I think it should; rather than climbing stairs, I'm climbing furniture/walls to get to where I want to be.
If Food was a smell, what would it be?
Whenever I think of the smell of Food, I always end up coming back to my favourite meal: roast Gammon (some may know it better as a boneless joint of back bacon), roast potatoes, Brussels Sprouts, sweetcorn, Yorkshire puddings (again, some may know them as popovers), and a carrot and swede mash, and all served with a lovely thick but pourable English gravy. This is the meal I tend to cook variations of for special occasions, like Wheel of the Year celebrations so it really is special to me.
Where have I experienced this?
5 of Spades
This is an intriguing card for this query because it depicts Father William's son who is questioning the reason behind his father's habit of standing on his head.
Based on this context behind the image, I feel like this card is saying that I experienced this Smell of Food as a child, and this is correct but rather than it being a home-cooked meal, it was usually a restaurant meal.
Part of getting ready for this restaurant as a child was getting dressed in my "Sunday best" as I couldn't wear what I wore day-to-day for appearance's sake. I always felt more like a human doll, despite thoroughly enjoying the meal, and I think the Youth pictured here embodies the whole thing.
When I hear "nourishment", is my reaction nervous or calm?
My reaction tends to be more nervous than anything else. I struggle with my relationship with food and nourishing my body so I'm always worrying about how much I'm eating, how often I'm eating, the kind of food I'm eating and everything else that accompanies food and nourishment. I want to be able to enjoy nourishing my body and actually know how to do it properly.
What embodiment practice could help source and sustain nourishment in my body, clearing old energy and expanding my energy budget?
When I was thinking about this, the first thing that came to my mind was a mindfulness practice of cooking by adding each ingredient with intention but this didn't feel enough. I know I need professional help with this but I know there are other things I can try to implement to work alongside the advice I receive.
How does Food care for me?
Ace of Clubs, Jack & 9 of Spades
With the Ace of Clubs, I feel like Food is just waiting for me to notice it and how it cares for me. I just need to take the time to get to know Food and Nourishment so that I can deepen the relationship and care for them in return. With the presence of three clocks, I feel like the message is that Food has three levels or stages when it comes to caring for me but I don't know what they are yet until I get the professional help I need.
With the Jack of Spades, I feel like Food cares because it wants me to grow, it wants to nourish me so that I can grow and bloom into the person I was always meant to be. Food wants to look after me but it doesn't want me to try to be anyone I'm not. By that I mean, it wants me to be a white rose bush and not one that's been painted red to hide the white. Food is true to what it is and wants me to do the same.
With the 9 of Spades, I feel like Food is wanting to work as a team with me but right now, I'm not one of the Chess pieces - I'm just trying to learn and do what I can to be as healthy as possible. Within this card, I'm represented as Alice, needing to be taught where to go and how to get there by Food which is represented by the Red Queen (even if the colour isn't visible here). Food wants to help me to care for myself by directing me about what I should be doing and everything else, but I'm the one who has to choose to follow that advice and directions that come from love.
How do I care for Food?
2 of Clubs
With this card, I feel like it's saying that I want to be friendly and go through life arm-in-arm as friends do, but at the same time, I don't feel like I can because of the relationship that I was taught to have.
I keep Food close but I don't trust that it wants to work with me for my best health because someone at some point has been in charge of how I interact with Food; someone else has always been third-wheeling, getting in the way, and complicating the relationship between Food and I.
I think I keep Food close but more as a frenemie, rather like the saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" and this isn't heaalthy for me anymore.
How can I care for Food better?
Jack & 6 of Diamonds, 8 of Spades
With the Jack of Diamonds, I feel like this card is saying that I can care for Food better by taking the leap of faith of my own accord before someone or something comes along and forces me to do it, like Bill getting booted up the chimney by a too-large Alice in the Rabbit's house. But I still have plenty to learn, and so I have the choice whether I want to be a willing party within this situation or if I won't.
With the 6 of Diamonds, I feel like I can care for Food better by not thinking of myself as a prisoner of any description. Food is not my jailor, nor is Food my prisoner. But right now, I am keeping Food as my prisoner so that I can try to exert some kind of control over it. What I'm starting to realise is that I can't control how Food interacts with me, although I can control how I am with Food. I just need to learn to release everyone and everything from such a tight grip.
That last message is mirrored in the 8 of Clubs as Alice is trying to wrangle a flamingo so that she can play Croquet with the Queen of Hearts. She tries all sorts of ways to get the flamingo to behave for her - and that's what I've been doing with Food. I haven't gotten to know Food, its quirks and irritations (well, not all of them anyway) so I'm struggling to know exactly how Food can care for me but, more importantly, how I can care for Food. I've just been trying to force things between me and Food, instead of trying to be more gentle, loving, caring and nurturing - the same things I want Food to be for me.
I will admit that this whole thing has been really triggering for me, bringing up events from my past, childhood specifically, that I thought I had worked through and healed. In reality, I think I've been in denial because I've always been taught that eating disorders were not something to talk about or even acknowledge. Now I know different and it's time for me to truly heal.
Perhaps by sharing my journey with you, I can inspire those that need it to seek help. There is strength in admitting and then acting on that admission of needing help. We don't have to go through all of life alone - even Alice had companions as she journeyed through Wonderland.
Peace and much love to all!!!!
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