So this is a follow-up to the month-long dive into Shadow Work back in May. This was all about healing from the wounds relating to my childhood but it was sparked in a strange way - or at least, it felt strange to me.
I regularly watch films and shows at the same time as my closest friend but in our respective homes because we don't live close to each other. But one of the recent films we watched was Encanto. I'm usually really against watching films that spend a lot of time in the spotlight with song snippets being featured everywhere because I feel like they get hyped up too much and hearing the same things over and over again just doesn't make me want to watch them, but when I watched it, I felt that it was the right time to do so.
A lot of the time, films or shows are background noise for me while I'm writing a blog post or doing other things, but this time was different. I actually paid attention to this film, like I hadn't in a long time. It sparked some deep emotions that I hadn't properly faced and really made me rethink my childhood. My grandmother was very like Abuela in Encanto, where everything had to be perfect and if it wasn't then something had to be done to fix the imperfection or it had to be swept under the carpet.
I was different to the rest of the family because I was a child who lost their mother at a young age and I never really felt like I fit in. Like Bruno, my mother was rarely spoken about unless it was to compare me to her, or at least this is what I remember. This pattern continued until I was an adult and went low then no contact with my grandmother.
I felt like I wasn't truly a part of the family, like Mirabel, because so much was expected of me and I felt like I didn't meet those expectations. Yes, I will admit to not being the easiest child to deal with as I did have a rebellious phase that started around the age of 11-13 but at the same time, I had to internalise a lot of things. I didn't have anyone else to talk to, not even at school.
I wasn't very socially adept because I didn't live near to the majority of those I went to school with and I wasn't allowed to randomly make plans to see them after school. All my friends had to be pre-approved but I was also compared to them so I didn't really feel like they were truly my friends. An example of this is when I got the results of my age 16 exams, my grandmother asked me what I got but when I told her, she followed up with "Why didn't you do as well as Sarah when you're in the same classes as her?" I was nothing like Sarah but because I shared the same classes, I was expected to get the same results. I was very happy and proud of my results, and I still am today, but my grandmother just seemed to belittle my accomplishments.
Like Mirabel, I never felt like I was good enough for anyone and I retreated within myself because I didn't know who I could talk to and I definitely downplayed what certain experiences did to me. This has since manifested in low self-confidence and self-esteem issues, as well as mental health issues.
While Mirabel mends the relationship she has with Abuela, I like that it happened in the film but at the same time I don't think it is always possible within real life. I haven't been able to do that myself. The last contact I had with my grandmother was in June 2017, just after I'd moved into the first home I wasn't sharing with others. I was compared with my closest and most supportive friend and I had a flash of insight that I had never been good enough for my grandmother, that I wasn't at the time doing anything that was good enough for her, and I was unlikely to ever do anything good enough for her either. I told her this via text and, unsurprisingly, I had no reply. To be honest, I never expected one but she is my maternal grandmother and I always hoped to at some point do something that would be good enough.
While I felt closest to Mirabel, I could also relate to other characters. I was expected to be like Isabela, graceful and perfect. In reality, Isabela was tired of having to be perfect all the time but felt she had to be that way to be a part of the family. I couldn't be perfect, no matter how hard I tried because even little things like me not setting the dinner table correctly would not be forgotten. I was scared of making mistakes which led me to make even more.
Luisa's song, Surface Pressure, really sat heavily within me. Possibly because I was under a huge amount of pressure to live up to the expectations of my family and I never felt like they were achievable for me. It was how I felt at the time, but I don't think this is a healthy way to be anymore.
I know that the day my mother passed away, my grandmother lost a daughter, my aunts and uncles lost a sister etc. so I'm not the only person who experienced a loss that day. I think what really stopped me from paying attention to this is the fact that I lost my feminine role model, the person I should have looked up to for so many more years. So I know there are a lot of levels of grief floating around the whole situation but it was hard for me to see past my own grief.
I'm slowly starting to not blame my grandmother for what she did and said to me over the years. To a certain degree, I wish I could talk with her and say that I'm sorry that I'm not my mum all over again, for keeping the pain of her own loss open and painful. But as much as I look like my mum, I am my own individual person and I was never going to be able to live up to the legacy of someone I wasn't able to get to know for myself. I'd like to be able to say that I'm sorry for how I was when I was younger and how I reacted to things and situations.
With the recent loss of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, it brought home to me that while I may enjoy my more independent life, I am missing out on what family really is. I'm missing that togetherness. The day the news was reported and the day afterwards, I felt lost with a sense of heartache but it wasn't until after the Queen's funeral that the loss really hit me and it made me consider that I've lost out on a lot of my own family. I think the loss of the Queen highlighted that I haven't ever really expressed how the loss of family has truly affected me and so everything from the last few years hit me all at once.
While I like the way I live so independently and how drama-free my life is, I do miss those family occasions throughout the year. Maybe one day, I'll reconnect with them but for now, I'll leave things how they are. As much as my friends have become my family and they support me in ways I never experienced before, it would be nice to have a connection with relatives.
I feel as if I may have alienated them and I might try to mend my bridges with them but I'd completely understand if they'd rather not have contact with me after everything that's happened. At least I'll have made the effort and left the door open, just in case. I may have been too harsh with how I've judged my family, that I didn't take into account their own experiences of the same situations that we faced.
This has been rather a deep topic that has made me think long and hard about my family and what happened. I know I can't change the past but I can change the future and how I react to situations and people. This has been a very eye-opening time for me.
I hope you can learn from this and think about your own connection with your own families. Nurture the connections you have and show them that you care.
Peace and love to all!!!
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