Since the start of this part of the Priestess Path course, I have been attempting to remember my dreams so that I can write down everything when I wake in my Dream Journal. This was part "homework" given by Emily and partly due to my own curiosity. I've only remembered a few but it is a work in progress.
I've never felt particularly able to remember any of my dreams but the dream I focused on for this ritual was very pertinent to the date it happened on. I actually woke up remembering this dream the day of the ritual but it wasn't immediately clear why I had this dream or what purpose it could serve me, although this came later on in the ritual.
As ever, Emily did offer various roles to start the ritual to everyone but I opted not to take one of these roles. I don't know why but in the week before the ritual, I just didn't feel called to volunteer for a role.
Please note that this is a very personal post for me regarding my past, particularly family relationships and their breakdown, which I have previously been reluctant to disclose but I will keep the identities of everyone private.
Once the circle had been cast, the elements invoked and we were properly grounded, the ritual itself started. This took three parts, starting with an exercise to ensure the dream itself was written in the present tense from a first person point of view. How I'd written this dream in my journal was not present tense although it was from my own point of view:
"I am going on holiday with my (now-)estranged grandmother and some other family members. We are leaving from my childhood home. Next, we are arriving at the airport and are given first class seats. Then we are arriving ar out hotel and I am sharing a double suite with my grandmother but we both have separate bedrooms. The hotel is owned by a large man who owns a fish'n'chip shop. Because he is a friend of mine, he gives us free food. Someone asks me if I am romantically involved with the man but I am not. I am sharing the bathroom with my grandmother who is not happy or impressed but I am not concerned. Then we are packing and my grandmother takes all of the free shampoo, conditioners, soaps and other toiletries. She is trying to ask me questions about my life but I do not given any information to her. We fly back to the UK but my grandmother is not happy to return."
In the next part of this ritual, we were given the chance to write the same dream from a different perspective, whether that was another person, an animal or an object. I opted to give my grandmother a voice for this and this was rather an insight into the later part of the actual relationship I feel that I had with her.
"I am going on holiday with my lovely family and a grand-daughter. We leave from the home I knew for many years and on arriving at the airport we are given first class seats. When we arrive at the hotel, it becomes clear She knows the owner but I think they are more than just friends, although She denies it. I am forced to share a suite with Her, which I do not like although I take this opportunity to ask questions about Her life. I do not get any answers from Her, so I took all the free toiletries so she cannot truly get clean. We fly back to the UK but I am not happy at being shut out all over again."
This was interesting because I didn't expect there to be so much resentment or such a strong desire for her to be controlling, although this is something that I remember from my childhood as I look like my mum's twin so I can sort of understand the resentment being present. I did take away that my grandmother can no longer control me and that she never really liked the idea of me having any form of freedom. One thing that really shook me was that I no longer answer to her and I have the free will to choose whether or not I share any of my life with her.
Emily and the other ladies all picked up on what has happened between me and my grandmother but they also had other insights that my dream spoke to them of regarding my own life. The first thing that was mentioned was the idea that I am able to move forward in my life without having toxic people because I am allowed to be happy. I don't have to let people back into my life if I don't want to. I'm fine where I am and I'm comfortable within my Self. I'm at a point where I don't need the past anymore and I can free myself of it.
Within this dream, it appeared that I was reluctantly revisiting and rooming with my grandmother, who could not during my childhood respect any kind of boundaries. It also came through that my grandmother, particularly within this dream, was very judgy and nosy, wanting to know everything and give "judgement" on what was happening within my dream - and in the past, my real - life.
There was also mentioned that there was a separate-ness present that was forced into a situation of closeness, This brought through a feeling of deep caution and guarding against being too vulnerable. The fish'n'chip owner appeared to symbolise that I did, and still do, have an ally about my family situation, who I feel is my closest friend although they are the complete opposite of the large man within my dream. My grandmother appeared to hold a disdainful, petty, mean grudge, and the suggestion was made to give them just as much kindness as anyone else without lowering myself to any other level. The particular phrase used was to "kill them with kindness". The estrangement was something that was really picked up on within the dream as well as the fact that I stated it from my own perspective.
I'm no longer looking for permission or someone else's approval of who I am, what I do, where I go, or who I spend my time with. But also, while the idea of family is nice and nurturing, I don't feel the need to have as much family contact as others might. It feels strange but right that I don't need blood relatives around me constantly, pulling me into unnecessary arguments or dramas. I'm at a different point within the evolution of my Self to my grandmother and I'm happy to be at this point within my journey.
When I had this dream, it was the day after what could be phrased as the 14th "anniversary" of when I moved out of my grandmother's house to start my own adult life. I definitely feel like I can leave the past where it is and move into my future without worrying about what has already happened. I do feel like this dream came to me at this time to let me know that I don't need to worry about whether I did the right thing all those years ago, because I know in my deepest heart that I did take the right path at that time. I don't regret what I did or the loss of the traditional idea of family because now, I have the family I choose to have: my friends.
I hope this inspires you to leave your own pasts behind if they are not necessary burdens for your future, even if that means limiting contact with family members who do not support or nurture you.
Peace and love to all!!
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